Shoplifting

I shop lift, got a problem with that? Fuck you, it's great. You see what I do is, I lift things will I buy a bunch of cheap stuff, it works every time, and no one is the least suspecting. Sure people I know go into a store with a bag and fill it with things then leave, I get a bit nervous doing that. The art of stealing things is to be completely calm and relaxed. I don't use disguises, even though I know a person who does, I just remain polite, and charming as I rip you off.

I walked out of a store wearing a hat I grabbed from there the other day, I got stopped. But, they just took the hat back and we carried on like I wasn't some sort of little criminal-shit. I got some mean looks, but I kind of just wanted to see if they were that stupid. I guess they weren't, but sometimes they are really stupid, so take advantage. They don't lose much, whatever owner of the business has insurance, and blah, blah, blah. Fuck it, I don't care, corporatism is fascism, and fuck those fascist fucks. They hoard the goods, the diluted goods of our planet, the overpriced crumbs, and they put a stranglehold on the world we live in. I feel no remorse what so ever. Does it get taken out of the person's pay when I steal shit? Maybe, I don't know, I don't really think about that. If it does, fuck them, they should get a real job anyway. What's a real job then? I don't know, not working at Walmart.

So I only steal from like heavily corporate businesses, I actually don't steal from the Salvation Army, but I do steal from Value Village, because they are very corporate now, and they don't seem to give a shit. I put on full clothing and walk out, it's fantastic.

If you're going to steal, don't get caught, don't even have it in your mind. And if you do get approached by someone, like security, or undercover ones questioning you, just drop your shit and run. Or say you were about to pay for it, but that never works. Either Way, life is expensive and my friend needs tampons, so I'm going to steal her some. I kind of just want to buy them, because I think it would be quite interesting to see the teller's response. "They're for my ass obviously" is what I would say.

Fuck A Friend (It's Cheaper Than A Date)

Words to live by. I guess.

Uh, I over-masturbated just now, which means my penis hurts. At least I don't have to bother with it for awhile.

I really do hate someone else jerking me off. It's never the right pace, it's too fast, or too slow, or too limp handed, or much, too much of a squeeze. Stroking the shaft while receiving head is perfectly fine though.

And what am I talking about now? The topic is, sex with a friend. Sex with a bunch of friends. Whatever suits you. Don't ever feel too old for it either, it's great fun. Yeah, well, that was fun, anyway, want to grab lunch?

You see, the perfect ideal life would be to have sex without the other bullshit -- and by other bullshit, you should know what. Sigh, seriously, getting attached to someone, and the emotional investment is like a loaded gun to your face, just waiting to pop a bullet in your head and blow you apart when things don't work out. And they won't. Pessimism and realism are close to the same thing here. To me anyway. Like Murphy's law, which is a bitch. Murphy's a bitch.

Okay, just the thought of being emotionally involved with another human being is insulting to me. I wouldn't underestimate the harm that another person can cause you. I don't recommend myself either. Use me with extreme caution. Emotions are fucking insane, oh my God. Alcohol works to numb that. But I've been practicing controlling them. How has it been working out for me? Not very fucking good at all. I'm totally fine when I clear women out of my life, I'm meditative, I regain my heightened sense of well being, and I have a certain overall feeling of zen. Don't fuck with my Chi! You know I need a girl for the odd id release. An angry one. But it's never really that angry, or good. Well, it's sex, what am I complaining about? If the sex was great though I would lose myself and become a slave to it. It's whatever the girl wants, I don't really matter anymore. I'm then her sexual device, and I'm just an object to entertain her lady parts. Is this purpose? Is this like an exchange to the greater meaning? Is she just a fuck-toy? Or am I actually...

I really have to stop being so damn existential when I have sex. Imagine if I was vocal about it. I'd say, "why am I doing this? It's mindless and I can't wait till we're done. God, hurry the fuck up and cum. I can see myself in the mirror, I look like a fucking idiot, what am I doing? When I cum I just want to smash my face with something hard, like a rock! Seriously. If this is the pinnacle to life, then count me out. Okay, this feels really good right now. Ah, fuck it, I won't even cum. You suck!"

Jesus, what a killjoy I am.

This Could Be Important

Do I have any interest in watching a man who ate the world's hottest chili?
No, but you can.

Was it hot?

The Man Who Took A Photo Of Something While He Was Out Doing His Laundry One Day Or Night Actually

The Asian writing reads: "Food so good you will shit in this speciality toilet we designed for you!"

So I took this photo outside of this Chinese food restaurant, forget the name of it right now, but their little mascot, or whatever it is looks like a toilet that licks your ass. It's pretty incredible, and oh, wait a second, I think it's a bowl with a spoon in it, and a mushroom? Or a sea urchin? In any case, it's a toilet to me that licks your ass as it stares at you. Very impressive, I must say.

Seasonal Lull

Only hot sex can pull me out of my seasonal lull, yeah, absolutely, the season being winter, the problem being Christmas. Every holiday not only is a corporate, consumerist holiday, but an occult holiday. I don't even want to get into that right now, but Christmas trees are pyramidal idols with the star Sirius on top, because having an all-seeing eyeball on top is too obnoxious probably, but these trees, or colorful, glitzy pyramids are in homes all across the planet giving praise to the occult world, namely the Illuminati, unbeknownst to the masses, but you don't have to know that to understand that Christmas is terrible. We get sandwiched in between corporatism and religion, the main suspects being Santa Claus and Jesus.

I'm taking a time out from writing this rant, my brain is squishy and incompatible with this line of thought, because I'm hungover from my night of poisoning my body with alcohol. Life kind of makes you do that. I also don't give a shit, I barely care to write this. I'm doing my best to ignore the holiday season. We all know it's bullshit anyway, why further drive the point? I'm being redundant by trying to do so. I just fucking hate it. The only thing that would give me any inkling of interest is if every year, on December 25Th, a man in public is seen on exhibit wearing a Santa Claus costume and there's another man wearing a Jesus get up, and they are displaying acts of passion, like Jesus Christ bent down and on his knees sucking off Santa Claus, and Santa Claus is naturally sitting in his nice wooden armchair, that would warrant my attention, that would be pretty interesting to witness. It's almost like that every year metaphorically though.

Throw in Ronald McDonald and then you'd have a clusterfuck.

Intellectual Boner

Generally I don't get much stimulation when I first talk to a new person. I find more interesting the things that are going on in my head. But on occasion my brain gets sprung, and I want to share mind intercourse for as long as I can, in light of a good, long, and hard, mentally stimulating, to the point of being sexual, and hyper connective conversation. But that hardly happens to me anymore. I bought a pie, an entire pie, and I already ate half of it. It was apple, and it was delicious.

Give me fulfillment, or I resort to instant gratification, like food, or a really good orgasm I just gave myself, then it's on to the next gratifying thing.

Stroke my brain with your knowledge, and shared thoughts, and make it interesting, I'm open to the experience. Or we could just have sex. Imagine having an in-depth conversation about ants, and how they are psychic and can predict the change in weather patterns days beforehand, with their tiny, itty-bitty brains, and your discussing this while you're fucking cowgirl style, and speaking in sign language. I didn't make that up, I saw it in a Korean movie, Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance. But wouldn't that be neat?

I want to have a conversation in sign language. WHY? I don't know, I'm bored, why not learn it? That way I have a reason to search for def women on that disabled dating site. The first thing I want to learn is "shut up!" Wait, I actually know that one, isn't it the action of cut, with your fingers, then up, with your fingers, fingies. Yeah? Yes? Is that it?

So the first thing I learn is to be an asshole to the girl, but I'm playing hard to get.

I hope that she could tell me that she loves me...with her hands.

Your Personal Ad Here

I've had some encounters with potential girlfriends recently, but it's not going to happen, mainly because I don't care as much anymore, so I backed out of that whole thing. Ah, to be young again, with a lively, and active spirit. Primarily motivated by a stable sex life though.

Strangely enough, I look through the Craigslist personals, once every 3 months or so for a laugh, mainly at the women seeking men ads.

What a joke. If I could provide these girls with some counseling and advice, I would. But you know it would just be bitter. I'd like to be fair to myself and just say that I'm honest, but I am frequently upset by general people. That's okay, you know, I find the humor.

Here's an eye catcher, oh yeah. (And enjoy my little interjections.)

Flippety-Floppety - 28 (Up Down All Around)

I'm a big girl. Some would say fat or rubenesque, (?) others might say curvy, plump, roley poley, beefy, chunky, broad, bulging, bulky, butterball, fleshy, heavyset, hefty, husky, inflated, jelly-belly, large, meaty, oversize, plump, round,
(corpulent?) solid, stout, swollen, thickset or weighty. Whatever way you want to put it, I'm bigger than the weight books say I should be. (Not a house?) I've been big. I've been small. At the moment I'm big. (No shit!)

I don't make fun of heavy people usually, or whatever you want to call them. There's a myriad of words for you to choose from there. I figure why bother being that cruel, most North Americans are overweight. She was brave though, and elaborate, painfully so.

Here's a random dumb one.

Cold weather equals more cuddles - 22 (Your Arms)

I am looking for a long term relationship. Not a one night stand or FWB. (Fuck while bathing? Uh, fffarm equipment, something? Oh, friends with benefits, right.)

So I like going to the drive-in movie theatre, and just love to watch movies and hang out. (Sounds alright.)
That doesn't mean I would be against going out and doing things Haha. (Not funny.) I'm a fairly simple girl, I love cuddles and hugs and kisses (and teddy bears, and gummy bears, and gay bears, like those hairy, fat, gay men. Yeah, them.) I love to cook- I'm not the best cook, but I'm working on it. (Work me up a sandwich.) K so more about me, I'm told I'm cute Haha (?) ummm I tell really bad jokes and laugh my ass off at them. (You're kind of a mental case then, I like it.) I hate lies, especially the ones where there's no point of lying. (I was lying) I don't have any tattoos and.. (okay I'll just stop you there, I can't bare reading anymore.)

Mindnumbing, Jee-sus. But it gets worse.

Alright, this was a fucking disaster, and not very funny at all. Stay tuned for the next one.