Retro Junk

As if Yo-Yos aren't enough of a nightmare. Here's a Freddy Krueger Yo-Yo.



A Nightmare On Elm Street Yo-Yos. I want one! Even though my attention span with Yo-Yos is the same as with a Rubik's Cube. Boring.

It says "collect them all" what are the other ones I wonder, his victims? Freddy not wearing a hat this time? Uh, him striking a Madonna pose? They look awfully shitty. Like Dollar Store junk, which I love looking through though. Cheap Chinese crap, that even Asians wouldn't buy, so they pawn it on us. Those little bastards. I bought my friend this squishy turtle once at a Dollar place, he still has it on his coffee table. Score.

Now Lux in helmet.



This is Lux Interior of The Cramps. They loved the fifties retro, like the B52's. I like his helmet, that's about it with this photo.

Alright, this ends Retro Junk. I'll find more ideas at Value Village next time I go there. Last time I was there I found these awesome World War II magazines, and I saw that Houdini magic trick box again. It's always in that store haunting me, ever since I was a kid. But it only had like a few cards and a few dice, maybe a marble, I don't know, but it was always missing shit.

Barry Soetoro Says..

Apparently Barack Obama's real name is Barry Soetoro. If you don't know that Barry AKA Obama is a liar by now then pull your head out of your ass and continue reading. Since the American government is controlled by offshore banks, namely the private Federal Reserve, then it almost seems apropo that there would be an illegal immigrant (whose fake as a three dollar bill) as the president representing them.

It's clear to people like me, maybe not to others, but shear nonsense still how it's claimed and proven that he has a false name, and there's an obvious conspiracy over a forged birth certificate. There's the Birthers, a group of people who are demanding proof that he was born in America, which I personally don't believe because of all of the deception so far. Why not? I already knew the guy was a fucking phony, and he just told you what you wanted to hear. He was just like a typical salesman, selling himself though, like any politician would. Like a total whore, but the maximum whore.

And all Barry/Barack's slogans were pretty fucking pathetic if you ask me. "Hope..." Ya gotta have it right? For good or evil? Be more specific man. Oh yeah, it doesn't matter because he never completed /and or bothered with any of the important tasks he finally said that he would do anyway, right, right right. Golf's on his agenda. Let the real people in power take care of things. "I'll sign whatever-the-hell you want me to later. Leave it on my desk, fuck." - Barry Obama.

I just find it ridiculous how fooled the American people can be by thinking the election process is legitimate. I never really think anything is that legitimate or honest in America. Americans prefer processed cheese to real cheese, so there you go. They'd prefer a nice-big-warm fantastical lie to anything remotely to the truth. I mean, it's not the American people's fault, they're just deceived, and programmed into accepting Kraft Dinner as an actual meal, and McDonald's as a substitute for a nutritious dinner. And a president to save them from problems the establishment (he's now a part of) has caused and created.

I never trust anyone in a monkey suit, but that's just me.

Vagina Assassins

So a friend of mine was telling me that when he was in Thailand he went to a bar called Super Pussy in a part of town called Patpong -- funny because the ping-pong ball pussy trick is a regular attraction there -- he says that these Thai girls were also shooting darts out of their pussy holes, and hitting targets and balloons. At first I was like, holy shit, this would make a pretty lethal women here, and one dangerous vagina. It got me thinking, this should have been in a James Bond movie. I would say, Pussy Galore comes to mind, but she was too lame. She had female minions who just got slapped around, and shoved around, and they kissed the shag carpeted floor. If only Sean Connery would have been caught with a dart launched at him when he spread out his formidable lay. I don't know, maybe about fifteen minutes into the movie he'd be dead already, with a poison pussy dart. There's so many fucking possibilities, what else could she shoot out of there a grenade?

Another interesting, and pretty nasty thing that my friend said the female/ and shemale performers did was that they would open up bottles of beer for people with their cunts. Ya know, as much as I don't like STD's I would also prefer not drinking them off my beer. Uh, beer transmitted disease? It's Aids beer, keep away from that! I don't really know if you can get Aids off a bottle of beer, but I really wouldn't want to find out.

They also smoked cigars with their holy of holies, and would write down your name on a piece of paper with a magic marker. Fantastic. Thanks, I'll get them to write down the name of my mom. Yeah, it's not really a choice gift idea for mom.

Those Aren't Bubbles In Your Tea

I don't really understand the concept of Bubble Tea. I want some gushy balls in my drink, please? Yeah, how about some other gooey things too? Sounds incredible. I want slimy, gushy, creamy things going down my throat when I drink something.

Where I live is predominantly Asian and there are quite a few Bubble Tea cafes around. Looks like fun..I guess. The straws are gigantic, I guess that's fun. Now I want ball-drink, give me sugary, gelatinous balls in my cold tea beverage or I'm fucking leaving! Who the hell would say that anyway? This drink is far too sweet for me, and it's not my cup of tea (pun, pun) fuck off. It was a fad at one time, like Hello Kitty. It's cute, it's Asian! So, yeah, it's marketable..and cute. Duh. Eat it, I mean drink it, it's floaties that you enjoy. If that was their slogan it would draw me. But, you know, I'd still only drink it three times.

I remember an old girlfriend of mine puking after drinking it. It's just too Goddamn sugary. Hyper Asian girls is not what we need. Horny Asian girls maybe.

Hows About Some BUTT?

I don't know if any of you have heard of BUTT magazine -- a male magazine -- a gay magazine. It's one of my favorites. I can submit a photo of me and my naked butt and become one of their known "buttheads" I may just do that.

There's this great article recently about Denham Fouts, a well known prostitute and an influential hustler of the 1930's. This dude obviously sucked his way to the top, he fucked princes and kings, royally, I guess. He was referred to as "the most expensive male prostitute in the world." What a brat.

This is an interesting quote about him,

"…if Fouts had slept with Hitler, as Hitler wished, he could have saved the world from the Second World War…" - Ned Rorem recounting a quote by Truman Capote in George Plimpton’s Truman Capote.

Hitler was gay, duh. Have you ever seen the footage of him gingerly combing back his perfect hair with his fingers? Have you? And his solute, not the Heil, the other thing he did, come on, so gay. I wouldn't let him fuck me though. Hell no.

Well, back to BUTT magazine. Butt Butt Butt. I'm not a homosexual or anything, butt I just love this magazine full of naked men. Scantily clad, or in the buff, some riding bicycles like the photo above, some shaven (at least) and some rockin' some awesome hairdos, and other dos..and maybe don't. I would glance through it in American Apparel. Yeah, that store isn't really for me but (butt) I just go in there to ask them for the latest copy of BUTT magazine. It's the only good thing about that fucking store. You should see the girl behind the counter's face when I say, "I just came for BUTTS, is the new one in yet? This is my magazine, BUTT magazine. I find it smutty and revealing, and disgusting and funny.

Butt. Fuck, I'm retiring that word from my vocabulary for now. ASS.

To People Who Are Fucking Annoying

Uh, am I on this list? Is there a list? Did I make a list? No, I don't think I did yet.

I hate being pulled into other people's drama. I'm not responsible for your life because it's yours, not mine. You tell me there's a problem, and I'm having arguments in my head debating whether or not I care. I don't want to play around with you, I have a hard enough time playing the life game. Not to be confused with the board game, which may be vaguley similar, but I don't have a fucking mortgage or credit card bills or house payments and kids, so I guess my life is less complicated than that game. But when is Johnny going to get the girl, and get the perfect job? And write a best seller! Right? Dad? Fuck it.

I pretend life, I fake-out life, but there's still people out there trying to bother me. So human drama, what's the point? I find it hard enough to believe that people invest their time in watching dramatic TV shows and feeling deep emotional attachment for their favorite actors and whatever situations they're in. I mean, what the fuck? I'm inviting this shit into my life, into my livingroom. Get the fuck out of my living room. You're not wanted, I'll throw you out. You two-bit actor. Suck.

Give me some fucking happiness, some calmness, no fixations on material life. A dream.

Urban Dictionary Fun

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